How adoption changed a valley woman's life

JOURNEY TO ZOE

November 30, 2007

I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my adoption journey. The Chinese believe that we are all connected by an invisible red thread. It connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. It is a very strong thread; it cannot break. It pierces every impossible barrier, and it travels every possible distance. The only thing that happens to this thread is that it gets shorter and shorter as the people in your life get closer and closer to you and to people you meet. Then it is gone. I believe that you and I are connected and are part of a very large family, an adoptive family. Since I view you as family, I would like to take this opportunity to share some personal information with you. I have learned much along my adoption journey, and I hope that I can help you in some way.

Our human experience is quite dramatic, and I am sure that you would agree. We have all been on many journeys. Some of them heart breaking, some of them heart warming, and some of them leave you wondering why did this happen to me? As a young girl my dream was to get married and one day have a boy and a girl. This dream has come true for me, and I feel very fortunate. I did not get to this place without going on many journeys, however and the terrain was brutal at times. So brutal, in fact, that I truly could not see the forest for the trees. I had always had a longing in my heart for a girl. This longing was hard to explain in words. It seemed as if there was a void, something missing inside of me. I always felt that if I found my girl, life would be good. Good for me, good for my son and good for my husband. My decision to have a girl was as much for my family as it was for me. I did not want my son to be an only child, and I wanted my husband to have the experience of being a father to a daughter.

Many years ago, I was approached by a stranger at a seminar in Chicago. He came up to me and stated that he saw a dark cloud around my head. He asked to sit down and chat for a while. Being the type of person that looked for such "red thread" encounters, I invited the man to sit and share his opinions. I was feeling very sad that day and was about to make a life-changing decision that was weighing heavily upon my heart. The man told me some interesting things. He told me that my husband and I were going to have a daughter together. "This daughter will bring you closer together. She will change your life and give you direction," he said. He advised me not to make any major life changes. "Just wait and just hold on," he advised. The next day I told my husband about the strange encounter with this man. My husband, being a very sensitive and intuitive man, was not surprised. He was intrigued and interested. This man put up a sign on my life path that said GO THIS WAY. I had two choices. I could have decided that the man was a real weirdo and dismissed this encounter, or I could heed his advice and follow the sign. Being a risk taker, I followed his sign. I am always up for a challenge, and I never turn down a good fight when I believe strongly about something. Those that know me personally know that this is true. My life path was changed that day. It changed because of a strange encounter on a day that I was willing to listen and take a risk.

Life Lesson 1: Always look for a "red thread" encounter. Do not go through life with blinders on. When you get to a fork in the road and do not know which way to go just wait. A sign (or a person) may appear to guide you.

Being a risk taker means taking the most treacherous path. I believe that God gives us just what we need in this life in order to evolve and come closer to Him. I have found that God will make life as interesting as you would like it to be. The sign that said GO THIS WAY was pointed left. I found out right away that this path was not going to be easy. Having the desire to have a daughter was not a desire to have a biological daughter. Many well-wishers thought that this was strange. "Why not just try to have a biological daughter and save yourself from all the headaches?" they said. The reason was unclear and my answer was, "In life there are no guarantees." I knew that I would have a daughter, but I had no idea how it was going to happen. So, moving forward on my journey, I considered becoming a foster parent. "Maybe I will find my daughter if I go this way," I thought. So, I proceeded ahead on this path. This was a short path but the most "safe" path at the time.

Life Lesson 2: Even if you take baby steps, you will eventually get to your destination. Always look for opportunities to help others. If you do this, your chance for more frequent "red thread" encounters will occur. Giving of yourself to help another is never a waste of time. Helping those less fortunate is your gift back to God.

A short time after this decision, I was asked to be a host mother for two young orphan girls from Russia. "Maybe I will find my daughter if I do this," I said to myself. So, again being a risktaker and having the support of my family, we welcomed these girls into our home. I knew right away that these girls were not to be a part of our family. My daughter was not to be found in the eyes of these girls. So, I asked myself, "Who am I to meet as a result of this opportunity?" I started to look. "Was it another adoptive family? Were these girls here to teach me something? Was it my responsibility to find them a mother? Oh yes, this was it! I was to help find them a mother!" So, I proceeded ahead on this path to find them a mother. The girls told me often (through a translator) that they did not want to find a mother in America. They wanted to go back to Russia. No one listened, including me. This experience taught me something very important.

Life Lesson 3: Adults do not have all of the answers. Listen to a child when they are old enough to speak. If we listen to the desire of their heart, they will find peace. It is our job as adults to listen more and talk less. When a child cries, God cries.

These girls taught me to be a better listener. I work with foster children now, and because of these girls I have learned to listen without feeling the desire to have to "fix" the problem. God is the only one that can fix the problems in our society. It is our job to support those in need by being kind and caring. It costs nothing to listen.

During this hosting experience, I did meet a lovely Russian girl. She had beautiful dark hair and eyes. Her cheeks were round and her smile was perfect. She grabbed my heart, and I felt a special connection with this girl. She was a young lady looking for love. Unlike the other two girls, this girl came to America to find a family. She longed for a mother, and I could feel this. She and I had this special connection. She was a girl transitioning into a young lady. She would only be a girl for a little while longer. I had so many fears, so many concerns, so many hopes, and so many unanswered questions. I had so little time to get answers and the decision must be made now! It is now or never! I could not let this girl leave without a mother! Again with the support of my family we began the process to adopt her. That year proved to be one of the hardest years of my life. The terrain was rocky. I had boulders to climb with regard to my family. Fear of the unknown and questions left unanswered left me shaking by the side of the trail. It was dark, and it was lonely. I could not see because of the darkness, and the stars seldom shined. To me, being a risk taker meant NEVER doubting your decision. To do so, would mean complete and utter failure. I made a promise and only liars break a promise. My desire to find my daughter was great, but my desire to protect the child I already had was even greater. It was my responsibility to make the right decision for everyone involved. I came to a crossroads again. This time I followed the sign that pointed to the right. The sign read THIS IS NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, YOUR JOB IS DONE HERE, LET HER GO, PROCEED AHEAD. Oh my GOD, how would I let her go! As I sat there and pondered this difficult decision, I realized that this was not my daughter. I knew that this girl and I met for a reason. She has since found her mother and her family. She found them, but I first had to let go and acknowledge that she was not mine. I recently saw this girl, and she gave me a wonderful gift. The gift of understanding. I thank her for her courage and bravery. I thank her for coming into my life to teach me this important life lesson.

Life Lesson 4: It is okay to let go. It is wise to think of others and how your decisions will affect them. You are not a failure if you disrupt an adoption or cannot follow through. Sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. Letting go allows your red thread to grow stronger. Time and time again, I have heard stories of the heartache families suffer after a disrupted adoption. It is truly a loss. Just as a miscarriage is a loss to a family, so is the loss of any child that you consider your own. Experience is the only reality, and if you have not experienced this situation you will never know. I ask others not to negatively judge families that have had to face this in their lives. Many children have found their correct family because loving parents had the courage to let go. To let go is to love.

This path led me to a high mountaintop. From here I could see the entire forest. I could see all of the paths that I had taken. I could see the path ahead of me, and it was clear. The sign on the top of the mountain said YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN CHINA, GO THIS WAY. I sat for a while in the grief of my loss. I was confused and bewildered. China was calling me. A mother in Asia was going to give birth to a beautiful girl whom she could not care for. She needed me and I needed her. I could feel the peace in this decision, and it felt right. Our red thread was strong, and it reached from my soul to her womb. We were one. She need not know me and I need not know her for God made this match in heaven.

Life Lesson 5: Trying to anticipate the future is futile. Live in the moment. Try not to live with regret over the past. Living life is a lesson in its self. To understand yourself is to understand God.

The path down from the mountain was easy. It was an effortless journey. I stopped to smell some flowers along the way. I had fun buying baby clothes. I decorated my daughter's room. I studied about China and researched the journey ahead of me. I rested, I prepared, and I planned. I waited in great anticipation until I could see her face. Finally, that day came on lucky St. Patrick's Day in March, 2005. Seeing her face made the long and painful journey worthwhile. I felt refreshed. I was now ready to be a mother to this girl, my girl. My journey to the mountaintop took three years. In our "instant mashed potato society" we want what we want now, myself included. If God allowed us to see the journey that lay ahead of us many of us, would choose not to take it. We would not learn, we would not grow, and we would not learn to over come. It is the journey that prepares us and makes us strong. God will not give us His most precious gift unless we are ready and prepared to receive it.

Life Lesson 6: Things happen in God's time not our time. The sooner you realize this and accept it the happier you will become. You will enjoy the journey more if you avoid rushing to the final destination.

GOTCHA DAY

Gotcha Day will always be one of the most magical moments in my entire life. Have you ever had a birthday that you thought no one remembered? Then you walk into your home and find all of your family and friends singing…. happy birthday to you! They gotcha! What a feeling of surprise that is! For the mom's that have biological children you would probably agree that Gotcha Day was very much the same as giving birth. Everything that leads up to the BIG day is the same. Telling your husband that you are pregnant and seeing a smile appear on his face is the same as saying, "Heah honey, I would really like to adopt a child," and your husband says, "Yes." Completing the adoption paperwork is like having morning sickness. Waiting for the fingerprint clearance is the first kick. Waiting for a log-in date is like a food craving. Anticipating the referral is like watching your stomach grow. Getting the referral is like finding out if it is a boy or a girl. Getting travel approval is like getting your expected due date. Seeing your child for the first time is like seeing a birth child for the first time. With each birth God surely smiles and says to Himself, "Gotcha, didn't I?"

I remember the exact moment when I first laid eyes on my biological son Quinten. After giving birth they took him across the room to clean him up. I was looking closely for a breath and listening for a cry. It seemed like an eternity when in reality it was a few seconds. I was awestruck when his eyes opened for the first time and he looked right at me. I must tell you that I saw stars and fell deeply in love with that little rascal.

I have heard from other adoptive parents that Gotcha is the exact same. It is hard to believe this, I know. Well, let me tell you…..Gotcha Day is equally heart stopping.

On our Gotcha Day we were not sure where or when we would meet our Zoë V. Yi Yang Meyers. We were nervous, excited, anxious, and concerned parents. I could appreciate what many men must go through when they are waiting for their wife to give birth to their child. The waiting and worrying is agonizing and the anticipation is almost too much to bear.

8:00 a.m. still no call from the facilitator, 9:00 a.m. still no call, 10:00 a.m. still no call, and 11:00 a.m still no call. I then heard the first cry outside our hotel door. Oh my, it was a baby! I ran to the door and, sure enough, here came two orphanage workers with a beautiful baby. The parents across the hall opened the door, and they handed her to them. I smiled, shut the door, and fell to the ground in tears. A few minutes later another cry. I opened the door and there was another beautiful baby being given to a family. I lay on the bed and listened to all of the crying. I was wondering what was happening in those rooms. What I would give to be a fly on the wall this day. It was Mother's Day in May, 2005 in Jiangxi, China. The most amazing things were happening at the Gloria Hotel!

I could not stand the wait any longer. I called our facilitator's superior in China to inquire about our daughter. I was told that he would be calling us. "When and where?" I begged. "Don't worry, he will call. He is traveling to your location," she said. Then another cry came. I opened the door again. Another baby and family being united. It was enough to push me over the edge. I just could not handle the excitement and the anticipation any longer! We did not know if our facilitator would be showing up at the hotel with our baby like the other children. We knew nothing. Finally, the call came. Our kind facilitator informed us that we would be meeting our daughter at the Nanchang Civil Affairs office at 6:00 p.m. It was only 1:00 when we got the call. I did not know how I was going to wait until 6:00 p.m.! For five hours we listened and watched as parents walked the hall trying to comfort and console their new babies.

Our facilitator finally showed up and we were off in a taxi heading to see our baby girl. When we arrived we waited some more. Another hour passed and the orphanage director called to say they were running late. Then we waited again. Another call came that said they were ten minutes away. The anticipation was building again. I had finally calmed myself enough to converse and make small talk with our facilitator. I felt like a volcano laying dormant waiting to erupt.

We heard a door open and the words, "She is here!" Then I heard footsteps and stood up. In walked a Chinese women carrying the most beautiful one year old child with the most beautiful head of thick, silky, black hair. She had on several layers of old, worn clothes. Her face was stone cold almost as if she had seen a ghost. She was clearly traumatized. In that moment, this day was no longer about me and my journey. My thought was how would I ever help this child to feel safe again? My heart broke for her as I realized that she would be leaving what was familiar again. Just as she left the safe womb of her birth mother, she will be leaving the only family she had ever known. I felt like a hero and I felt like a robber. Who was I to take such a beautiful child from her birth country? Why did God grace me with the task of parenting this girl? I realized that I was totally responsible for ensuring that this child feel safe, loved, and secure in her new family. All that I am was grateful for the opportunity to share my life with this darling girl. I knew that I was not only responsible to care for her but also responsible to God for entrusting her to my care.

She was handed to me without a whimper. She stared into my eyes. The lady that was holding her kept saying, "Ma, Ma, this is your Ma Ma!" Zoë never took her eyes off of me. It was a very hot and humid day. My little Zoë was so hot and sweaty. All of the old wool layers made me realize that life had been hard. She seemed totally exhausted from the fight. She had nothing left to give. All she could do was just sit there and let it all happen to her. My God, what a brave girl she was! She became my hero that day! My life was changed forever as I realized I was no hero. All of the beautiful children are heroes! They are our gift from God, and if we cherish them, listen to them, and most importantly try to understand them, we will be blessed. Our adopted children will always serve as our reminder that miracles can happen. Even today, I am stopped on occasion to admire this girl of mine. I always tell her, "You are a miracle baby, and I thank God for allowing me to be your Ma Ma." When Zoë gets all dressed up she says, "Look at your miracle baby! Don't I look cute?" I smile and say, "Yes you are and yes you do!"

As I begin my next journey, I recognize that you and I may meet some day along this path. I look forward to this. As you are reading these words please know that I send you heartfelt good wishes. As each of you takes your journey through this life know that God is with you. We are all connected through His love. We should greet each other as family along the way and help each other. I hope that this book inspires you to keep moving along your path. I hope that you can feel God's grace through the words on each page.

ADOPTION OPTIONS SEMINAR

Saturday, November 8th, 2008
8:30 to 11:30am
Phoenix Children's Hospital
Rosenberg Children's Medical Plaza- Bldg E
Melvin L. Cohen Conference Center
1919 E. Thomas Road
Phoenix, AZ 85016

Free Parking
Free Admission
Free Continental Breakfast